The Blame Game Absolutely Never Works And Here’s How To Change
I’m amazed at how quickly someone gets fired as soon as there is a failure. We have become experts at the “art of blaming.”
All of us battle it. We are quick to judge. We are quick to lay the blame totally on others. It’s destroying marriages, friendships, long-term relationships.
The Bible says that Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. Someone said that the serpent tried to blame someone else but he didn’t have a leg to stand on!
The book “Difficult Conversations” helped me immensely in sorting out the “blame game”.
Recognize that we all contribute toward failures.
It may only be 5% and another person 95%. When we acknowledge the part we played in the failure, it keeps the other party from becoming totally defensive and entrenched.
Of course, there are criminal issues that courts try and rightly attach blame (that’s called justice). When we, however, go through the normal, natural “humanness” of disagreement, we cannot put everything in a “100%” right or wrong category.
Our contribution may have been that we avoided a conversation for too long. It may have been our attitude of being short-tempered and argumentative. Seeking to understand my part in a failure is the door to understanding.
Blame always looks backward.
Blaming is bad because it keeps you from solving the problem and doing something about it. You get caught up in “who’s the bad person, who made the mistake, who should apologize.”
In a relationship conflict, is the goal to be proved right in every word and action that happened? The goal, actually, is to reach understanding so that you can move forward in the future without the same conflict.
Contribution always looks forward.
“What did we each do to get ourselves in this mess?” It has taken both of you to get into this mess. It’s probably going to take both of you to get out of it. It focuses on the future and meaningful change.
“Blame is lame.” It’s the easy way out. It doesn’t step into the difficult conversations to sort through each person’s contribution. It takes hard work to learn the intent of each person, feel the feelings of each side, and pick up on the identity wounds they may have endured.
I may not be as innocent in the situation as I thought.
God has a way to help us out of the “blame game.”
For Adam and Eve, He clothed them in the skins of animals. The innocent blood on the skins covered their shame and blaming.
For we in the New Testament, He did the same thing for us…only better!
He placed our “blame and shame” upon the cross. Jesus took the blame, the hurt, the pain, the shame, the feelings, the identity slander on the cross.
Now, we don’t have to blame. We recognize that we all need His mercy.