How Can Confrontation Actually Be A Better Way To Love?
Confronting gets a bad rap.
We see those who confront us as mean, cruel, and divisive. The problem could be in the WAY they confront but not in the fact that they bring up issues.
Did you know that the famous verse“You shall love your neighbor” is preceded by “You shall reprove your neighbor” (Lev. 19: 17-18)?
Why are we so fearful to bring up the delicate subject of a friend’s issues? Especially if it is destroying their life, their marriage, their character?
Here are some ways to confront a friend without becoming confrontational:
Listen first.
Listening and asking questions says to them that you are truly interested. You can’t convince them of that if you start off a conversation with a confrontation.
What may be obvious to you is probably not obvious to them. Ask them, “Have you ever thought that _________ may be contributing to the problem?”
If they know you did the hard work of listening, they see you as part of the answer and not part of the problem.
Confront actions, not identity.
Separate a person’s actions from their identity. Identity is about honor for them as made in God’s image. If they feel you are dishonoring them as a person, confrontation feels like rejection.
Confrontation is coaching. It is believing in a person’s potential so much that you can’t stand it to be wasted.
I had a high school basketball coach who applauded me one minute and reprimanded me the next. He really wanted me to succeed and I loved him for it.
Stand for your convictions.
Loving your neighbour is not “going with the flow.” It is not embarrassed participation in something your heart tells you is wrong.
Speak up for your convictions. Without condemning and shaming, express an issue with something they are proudly exhibiting.
Profanity. Pornography. Thievery. Deception. Vandalism. Marital unfaithfulness. The list is long.
“I know you feel comfortable with that but I don’t. I think you are a better person than that and don’t want to see your character and reputation identified with that.”
Overcome the fear of rejection.
Your mind will tell you that if you lovingly confront a friend or neighbor that you will have no friends. Check out this verse:
“Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue.” (Prov. 28: 23).
I’ve found this also by experience: “When I love a person enough to bring to their attention how they can improve their life they appreciate me for it.”
What is an area in a spouse or a friend that you have inwardly hidden your anger, your suspicion, or your deep concern about?
“Don’t secretly hate your neighbor. If you have something against him, get it out into the open; otherwise you are an accomplice in his guilt…” (Lev. 19: 17, Message Bible).
“Love your neighbor” and “confront your neighbor” go together. That’s the kind of love God has for me.